The Rachel Ray Cooking Debacle of '08: Or How I Learned Not to be a Slave to Recipes

I used to be a big fan of Rachel Ray. Let me emphasize used to be. Not anymore. What I liked about her was how she cooked very simple meals that anyone could make and you could make them in a short amount of time, too. I thought it was cool how she wasn't a professional cook and seemed to have come out of no where to have her own show on the Food Network and her own syndicated talk show. I thought of her as a modern day Martha Stewart. That is, before I attempted one of her recipes. She ain't no Martha.

I was watching her one day on the "Today Show" and she made a baked white pasta dish. It looked so easy and combined some of my favorite foods: spinach, mushrooms, garlic and pasta. I decided that I would cook this amazing dinner. I didn't copy the recipe down while watching, so I stopped by Border's and copied it out of her new cookbook. Yeah, I admit, that's a bit ghetto, but I was not about to spend $30 on her cookbook (at the time I didn't have Internet at home and this seemed like a simpler solution). As I wrote down the recipe, I was a bit puzzled at some of the quantities. Two pounds of spinach? Six cups of Mozzarella cheese? Two cups of Parmesan cheese? It seemed like a lot to me, but I figured she has to know what she is doing. I am a mere novice in the world of cooking.

After a trip to the grocery store and $30 later (What? She said this was a cheap meal!), I was ready to cook. The meal was supposed to only take me 30 minutes to prepare. I spent 30 minutes chopping up spinach and the entire clove of garlic. I actually only used a pound and a half of spinach. The colander was over flowing with spinach. Anymore just seemed like too much. I made the sauce, an easy white sauce, that ended up being a bit on the runny side. I don't know how, I followed her recipe perfectly. I decided to move on to the pasta part. Another 30 minutes passed as I sauteed the garlic, onions and mushrooms and wilted the spinach. Next I broke up the no bake lasagna noodles and threw them into my giant skillet. Another plus of this recipe is you only use one skillet. Amazing. I poured my runny sauce onto the pasta and dumped all of the cheese on top. Something didn't seem right. The ratios seemed way off, but I put the skillet into the oven for another 30 minutes. In the process of taking the skillet out of the oven, I managed to burn my hand badly. My own stupidity, of course. I grabbed the metal handle without a pot holder. Damn you, Rachel Ray! I ran my hand in cold water and cried. I felt like a cooking failure and possibly might have a severe burn, all because of Rachel Ray and her ridiculous recipe.

At this point, I had wasted 90 minutes cooking an "easy" pasta bake. I had feelings of hate building up for Rachel Ray and her perkiness and too tight tops. I was tired and my hand really burned. I felt like one of Oprah's fans who thought that Beloved would be an "easy" read. I was hoping that it would be a wonderful meal. That would be the one saving grace for the meal. It wasn't. Due to the massive quantities of dairy, it was extremely rich. Not in a good way either. With every bite, there was a half a pound of spinach, cheese, and garlic. It was not delish. It was edible and just ok.

All was not lost. I swore to myself that I would never, ever make a Rachel Ray meal again. It was not as simple and fast as she made it seem. I also learned that sometimes you need to go with your gut and not use massive quantities of spinach because the recipe says so. After this incident, I have been very leery of recipes. In fact, I decided to make my own pasta (not using a giant skillet) bake without a recipe. It turned out much better than Rachel's, took a shorter amount of time to prepare, and was a lot cheaper. For the cost of Rachel's pasta bake, I can make three my way. Take that, Thirty Minute Meal Queen!

Leave Poor Miley Alone

I really feel bad for Miley Cyrus with the controversy over her photo shoot with Vanity Fair. The picture is completely in good taste. It's not slutty at all. I think it is very tasteful. I was expecting a Maxim style picture. When I saw the picture, I thought, "This is what everyone is in an uproar over?" I don't see anything wrong with it. Poor girl. She's wrapped in a sheet and is showing about 12 inches of bare back. Oh my gosh! That is so immoral! Put some clothes on her! Essentially it is the equivalent of wearing a strapless formal dress. America is in an uproar over this picture. People claim that she's not a good role model for kids or the picture is scandalous. I am so tired of all this. She didn't do anything wrong. It's an artsy, tasteful picture. It's not like she did a spread for Playboy. But, here comes the Conservative Right ready to jump in and make much ado about nothing. They've turned it into an issue of teenage girls being too grown up and skanky. I agree that that's a problem, but Miley isn't fueling it. She is a so-called role model for kids because she's on television. Out of all the people kids could look up to, I don't think she's a bad one. She strikes me as a normal kid. Parents should be using this as an opportunity to show their kids how Miley doesn't compromise her integrity and expressed herself in a tasteful manner. It's art. I am sure these are the same parents that are upset when their child sees a nude statue at an art museum.

Now poor Miley is embarrassed by her picture, which I find unfortunate. She should be proud of her picture. I think Disney brainwashed her. Not too many people get to work with Annie Leibovitz. And as a 15 year old? Even less. We're diminishing this great opportunity that Miley had. Isn't there something else to sensationalize? Maybe Mischa Barton wore an ugly outfit out in public. Or Britney tripped getting out of her car. Now, those are real stories.

Hooray for Diablo!

I am so excited for Diablo Cody for her Oscar nominations for "Juno." Especially the one for best original screenplay. That is such a huge accomplishment for a first time screenwriter. It really inspires me with my own writing.

I only wish that the Diablo haters would stop with their hatin'. So what if Diablo isn't really "from" Minneapolis. This is the city where she found her creative stride and really became a writer. How many of them wrote a screenplay in two months? It makes me wonder how many of the haters really are true Minnesotans. Probably not a lot. My guess is they're from the Dakotas or Iowa. I am not a true Minnesotan, either. I grew up in the 'burbs of Chicago and Milwaukee, but I do get excited when a resident of Minnesota does something cool. This is just further proof of the love that Minnesotans have for outsiders. Diablo rocks. She's a great example of a good old American success story. So haters, stop your hatin' and be happy for someone outside of your small social circle and show some love.

Ok. I am done ranting. Congrats Diablo!

RIP Mr. Wizard

I just read that Mr. Wizard or Don Herbert, has passed away. He died of Bone Cancer. That really makes me sad. Growing up, I loved Mr. Wizard's World. I always wanted to recreate his experiments, which caused my mother added stress. I was the kind of kid who needed to be supervised at all times. Asking for odd things like a bike tire, a hammer and baking soda would send my mom into panic mode.

Mr. Wizard did a great job at engaging non-science loving students, like myself in cool science experiments. He had this way of making you learn without really knowing that you were. That I think is one of the great traits of a good teacher. He will be missed. As a side note, I didn't know that he was from Waconia, MN.

Captain Obvi

I don't watch Larry King very often. and I don't think I'll be watching him anytime soon. I watched him on Friday only because he had the top 10 finalists of Idol on his show. He's horrible. Such awful interviewing skills. He asked the worst, most obvious questions, like, "Blake, what color is Jordin's top?" and "Phil, what's your name?" Ugh. He's pretty rude and not very nice to his subjects. I was really shocked. He's supposed to be this great journalist but a monkey could ask better questions than Larry King. Maybe back in the day he was good, but now he's just pretty lame.

The Woman Who Sold the World

It looks like Courtney Love is at it again. Is nothing sacred? Can we just let poor Kurt Cobain rest in peace? This time Courtney has decided that she is going to sell all of Kurt's possessions. I guess she's tired of having the house look like a shrine to Kurt. I can sort of understand that. What I don't understand is she is donating 1/2 of the proceeds to charity and the rest goes to her. Does she need anymore money? What does she plan to do with it? Get her botched lipo job fixed. Buy some more drugs. Some bad designer clothing. I think if you're going to do anything with his belongings, it should either go to charity or be donated to a museum. That's just me. The money could go to an organization that helps people with depression or drug abuse or funds music programs for kids. Something. Anything but in her hands. Frances Bean will receive one of his guitars, the sweater that he wore for the MTV Unplugged New York special, and a flannel. I am not a big fan of Courtney Love. Never have been. I did like the Hole song "Doll Parts" and her rocker chick style of the early 90's. I loved the baby doll dresses with the mary jane shoes. But, I don't like the mess that she has made of Kurt's posthumous life. Selling his journals. Poor taste. Causing the huge fight between the remaining band members. Very Yoko. I just don't like her.

Also, I wonder what kind of person would want to buy one of Kurt's old flannels or his signature cardigan sweater. Personally, I find that sort of thing disturbing. It's creepy. What would you do with it? You couldn't wear it. Put it on the wall in your living room. Make a quilt. I just don't get it. I am not into morbid displays of celebrity worship.

While I am not the Kurt Cobain expert, I don't think he's the type that would want people buying his stuff. I think he deserves more than a rummage sale of his belongings.