How Not to Win a Girl Over

Tonight I was waiting at the bus stop after work when an early twenty something couple walked over. I have to admit that I love to ease drop on strangers' conversations. It's my entertainment while I wait for my bus to arrive. From the second the guy opened his mouth, I knew I was in for quite the interesting convo. It was so engaging, I almost wish I had a tape recorder or a notebook to record it. From start to finish, it was pure comic gold. Here are the highlights:

Guy: I've been in that store (Ralph Lauren).
Girl: Oh, really? That's cool.

Seriously, does he think that'll win her over? Last time I checked, RL is a public place and everyone can go in there.

Guy: Yeah, I bought a petticoat.
Girl: Huh? I've never heard of that.
Guy: yeah, It's the guy version of a pea coat.

I am seriously not making this up! I don't think I could. Last time I checked a petticoat is a poofy, hoop skirt worn by women underneath a skirt. This guy is soooo brill!

Girl: Hmmm.... I think it's just called a pea coat.
Guy: No, it's a petticoat. Girl's wear pea coats.

This went on and on for about three minutes. Then, he pulled out the most amazing store to shop at for guys. I was soooo impressed:

Guy: Yeah, for a while I was really torn between RL and Express. But, Express won out. RL is kind of old looking.

This was very appalling to me. Ralph Lauren is timeless. Express is overpriced and trendy.

Guy: Yeah, I have to just wear one label at a time. I don't understand how someone can wear an Aero shirt, AE pants, and an RL jacket. I am wearing an Express shirt, jacket, and jeans.

Really? I don't understand how someone can go into Aero or AE, let alone buy clothes from there. During all this, the girl just giggled. Wow. I had a really hard time not saying something. Oooh! You're such a cool guy for shopping at Express. OMG!

Finally, the girl got a word in:

Girl: Three drinks was perfect for me.
Guy: What?
Girl: Yeah, I'm a light weight. Three drinks and a shot is about all I can handle.
Guy: That's weak. I bet you could drink more.
Girl: No, I don't really like to.

To the girl: wow. I am so impressed that you know your limits. A guy should respect that. To the guy, you are such a dumb ass. Which, he proved by this story:

Guy: Yeah, it was such a totally crazy night. I don't remember what happened. I ended up at my sister sorority's house and it was this girl's 19th birthday. I woke up the next morning in the house and didn't know what happened the night before. It was crazy.

Yes, that's a great way to win over a girl. She really wants to hear about your sorority conquests. The guy continued to dig himself deeper into a hole:

Guy: Yeah, one time my bro got really drunk. He went to take a shower to sober up and twenty minutes later, I went in there and he was sitting Indian style with his head in his lap and the shower going. I knew he was faking it.

Uh.... hello? I'm pretty sure he passed out. And I hate the word "bro."

At this point, the bus showed up and I didn't have to listen to the guy's random monologue of stupidity. Part of me really wanted to intervene and tell the girl that this guy isn't worth it! He's a tool. A dumb frat boy. Not once did he ask the girl a question. It was just this weird conversation (if you could call it that) based on really superficial things. I couldn't understand why this girl wanted to listen to such silly things. If it had been me, I would've been out of there when he thought a petticoat was a pea coat. It boggles my mind. The girl struck me as the free spirited girl. Maybe she was just naive. Whatever the case, I wouldn't have tolerated it. At all. I wanted to shake the girl. She could do so much better than this douche bag frat boy. He's not a great catch. I really wanted to talk to this girl in an aside a la Woody Allen and knock some sense into her. I think back to my early twenties, I really hope I was smarter than this. I think I was. Maybe I'm just too cynical, but why would you want to put up with a guy like that? It's just not worth it.